Maybe your problem is that you don’t know what your problem is. You think your problem is your problem, but that’s not the problem at all, and that’s your main problem!
Isn’t it true that we sometimes blame our spouse, our boss, our children, our job, our finances, our circumstances, etc. for our problems? I think if we are perfectly honest with ourselves, we are the problem most of the time! We just don’t want to admit it. We feel better about ourselves if we can blame something or someone else for our frustration, unmet expectations, anger, etc. Let’s face it, none of us likes anything to be our fault! It is our nature to remain forever blameless.
We are instructed in scripture to test our own actions! Galatians 6:4-5 in The Message says, ” Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don’t be impressed with yourself. Don’t compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life.” We should all “carry our own load.”
In his book Relationship Rescue, Dr. Phil McGraw has a few tips about taking ownership of ourselves.
- Accept responsibility for creating your own experience. Then, when something unfulfilling happens in your relationship, you won’t judge, criticize or blame, but instead you will figure out what you are doing to cause it. By looking at yourself instead of your spouse, you are focusing on something you control instead of something you cannot control.
- You are the architect of your thoughts. You choose how you act and how you react to your spouse. That means you can no longer think, perceive and act like a victim of someone else’s bad behavior. Only when you stop “being” the victim will you start to see yourself as a fully competent and potent force in your marriage.
- You choose the attitudes that you bring into the relationship. When you decide to be honest about where and how you are part of the problem, you will realize that whatever it is your partner is doing, you are either drawing out, maintaining, or allowing that behavior.
- You choose the emotions and feelings that will control your thoughts in the relationship. When you own the relationship, you don’t hide behind anger and frustration with your partner. You decide how to start changing the stimuli that gets your partner to behave positively and constructively.
- You own your relationship. You are 100% responsible for it. When you are accountable, you are an agent of change!
So these are the principles that pretty much describe what needs to be done. But our problem is that we cannot make these changes ourselves! We have all tried various methods and programs. Some of us still don’t see that we are the problem. Others of us own that we are the problem, but don’t know how to change. The “steps to take” seem to make perfect sense, but we cannot execute them in a way that truly transforms our thinking and our behavior!
This is why God gives us His Holy Spirit. We are not capable of healing our own hearts. Our problems always boil down to matters of the heart, where wounds, pain, anger, rejection, fear, pride, depression, etc. continue to keep us bound.
David realized this about himself and finally cried out to God. He said in Psalms 51:9-12 NKJ, “ Hide Your face from my sins, And blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence, And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.”
Now this is surrender. David sees his own limits and realizes only God can accomplish what needs to be done in his heart. So here’s the bottom line…don’t let fear or pride keep you from having a real, honest relationship with God. He knows more about you than you know about yourself, and He still loves you and desires to transform your life! Give Him permission to do what only He can do! Quit trying to fix yourself. And don’t let any devil tell you there is no hope! God has given you a future and a hope!
